The whole purpose of family life in Krsna consciousness is to advance spiritually. When a materialistic person enters into family life, he is called “grhamedhi”, because his idea is to just increase his sense enjoyment. On the other hand, a devotee is called “grihastha” because his goal is to advance spiritually. His family life is an ashram, a base from which to advance to higher spheres of devotional service.

The difficult thing about family life in Krsna Consciousness is that it involves combining two things that may look incompatible at first: taking care of the material needs of a family and practicing a spiritual process.

Frequently we see these as two separate things, and as a result, we focus on one to the detriment of the other, or taking good care of our families but forgetting Krsna, or becoming very serious about sadhana and other aspects of devotional life but neglecting our families.

I remember once speaking with a second-generation devotee who narrated how sometimes his mother would be very engaged in serving in the temple and as a result, neglect taking care of the house, and how this led him to grow up having a negative image of devotees, seeing them as rivals for the attention of his mother, something that took him a long time to get over with. Many of us may commit similar mistakes.

What is the solution then? Considering our limited attention span, how can we do both things simultaneously? As always, the Bhagavad-Gita can give us some insight.

Often one may see a married woman and become attracted to her, observing her good qualities, mood, or her dedication to the husband and children. Similarly, a lady may become attracted to a married man by observing his reliability, discipline, determination, or other traits. One can thus imagine that if he could somehow attract this person, he or she would behave in the same way, but this idea is often unfounded.

The qualities a married man or lady displays are actually the result of a combination of two persons. In other words, one who feels attracted to a married woman or man is actually feeling attracted to a couple, a combination of two individuals. What this man or woman is now is the result of the combination of what they are with the input they receive from their partner. Happy married persons are thus the fruit of nourishing relationships. They would not be the same in a different environment.

Conversely, a lady who is neglected by her partner may look depressed and unattractive, just like a married man may look irresponsible, unsure, and unreliable. In both cases, they could become completely different in a different environment. We can practically see that often devotees don’t do very well in their first marriages, and after going through a painful process of divorce end up doing much better on the second try. Not that we should divorce of course, but we can see that such cases are quite common. We also have cases of devotees who do relatively well in the first marriage but do much worse in a subsequent marriage.

What we can learn from this?

Srila Prabhupada used to say that practicing spiritual life is like declaring war against Maya. Often we think that Maya refers to Durga, the material energy, but it’s a little different from that. Durga is actually an indirect expansion of Srimati Radharani (just as Lord Shiva is an indirect expansion of Krsna), where she plays the role of the universal mother, giving bodies to all the living entities, trying to gradually bring them to Krsna and punishing them when necessary. Durga is not our enemy, the problem is the illusion of trying to enjoy matter, which appears when we become envious of Krsna and try to take His place. Practicing Krsna Consciousness means trying to remove this artificial covering that obstructs our real self. That’s what it means to fight against Maya.

In a sense, that’s the hardest fight of all, because it entails defeating an enemy that is inside of ourselves, instead of simply defeating an external force. It demands a lot of introspection and internal work, that is supported by external activities, such as serving others, studying the scriptures, and so on. Chanting the holy names can also start as an external activity (of just making mechanical sounds using our tongues), the challenge is to convert it into a deep, internal activity. That’s exactly when the miracle starts.

In this war against our own contaminated nature, it helps a lot when we have a proper psyche, nourished by healthy relationships with our parents, spouses, and so on. Such a healthy psychological state gives us a good foundation from which we can practice the spiritual process and reap the benefits.

Many men fantasize about having a submissive wife who will love and respect them unconditionally. What many don’t understand is that such women don’t grow in trees, but are the product of the treatment they receive from the men around them. Most of the time it is not about “finding” the ideal woman, but about nourishing her.

Although the scriptures speak about ladies being submissive to their husbands, it’s important to understand that this is not an innate feminine characteristic. On the opposite, ladies by nature have a tendency to seek their own interests, just like everyone else. The point is that this characteristic can be minimized if a lady has the good fortune of having a loving father and later a responsible, reliable, and caring husband. A lady who has this opportunity may gradually come to the conclusion that being under the protection of a reliable man is better than being selfish, and this is how a chaste wife is born. In other words, a chaste wife is the result of a loving relationship with a caring father and later with a loving husband. The reason this type of woman is rare nowadays is exactly because the type of men who produce such type of ladies are now very rarely found.

A man who desires a chaste wife should thus first work on his own qualities, becoming a proper husband, then get married and invest in the relationship with the wife, so she may gradually come to the conclusion that she can lower her guard and trust him. Trust doesn’t come automatically, it comes after years of successive positive experiences. Most ladies nowadays have to go through a series of bad experiences during their lives, having to face exploitation from the part of men they trust, both before and after becoming devotees, and it can take a lot of dedication on the part of the husband to revert these past experiences.

More than being just a historical description, the pastimes of Lord Rama crossing the ocean to fight Ravana and rescue Sita carry a lot of philosophical meaning. In the Bhagavad-Gita Krsna reveals that He comes as different incarnations not only to kill the demons but also to reestablish the principles of Dharma. He does that not only by speaking, like in the case of the Bhagavad-Gita, but above all by His own example.

In the Ramayana the Lord shows the importance of being honest, of being faithful to one’s spouse, respectful to one’s parents, maintaining one’s word, giving a good example to others according to one’s social position, and so on. The Ramayana also shows the shortcomings of materialistic life and where it leads us.

Materialist life is considered sinful because it’s based on stealing from Krsna. Although He is the creator and proprietor of everything, He allows us to use these properties in His service and mercifully gives us back prasadam. When one cooks some nice preparation and offers it to Krsna, he doesn’t lose anything, on the contrary: Krsna accepts this mundane food and gives him back Prasadam. Similarly, when one offers clothes and other items, nothing disappears, everything is returned as prasadam. In the same way, one can offer his house, his family, or even his own life to Krsna, by using them in His service, and this will just make all these things better.

Materialists, however, don’t understand this concept. Instead of offering back the material energy to Krsna, they want to kidnap, to separate it from Krsna. This effort is exemplified in the example of Ravana, who tried to kidnap Sita.

It’s not uncommon to see devotees suffering from depression and other similar conditions. Even more common are devotees who, although not clinically depressed, are unhappy with their lives, despite being chanting for several years. How can it be so?

Of course, if one is a pure devotee he can be happy even in prison, but for most of us, a good environment is necessary. We are not complete materialists who want to enjoy life without any spiritual touch, but we are also not pure devotees who can be happy in any circumstance. Therefore, although we are chanting and learning the philosophy of Krsna Consciousness, we still need a proper material environment to keep our mental balance. Without it, we can very easily fall into lamentation, despite our spiritual achievements.

Most of us will have children at some point in our lives. Nowadays people have a fear of having children, but when they come, very few regret it. In the Vedas is explained that happiness (even in a material sense) comes from performing our duties, not from running from them. We can see that in the Bhagavad-Gita Arjuna wanted to avoid his duty to fight, but Krsna warned him that it would just bring him frustration. Similarly, begetting and educating children is one of the main duties for someone who is not in renounced life. One doesn’t gain anything from trying to avoid it.

Raising a child is actually quite a natural experience, but there are a series of traps that can make this experience difficult.

It’s well known that the Vedas mention cases of polygamy. It’s mentioned that this practice was common in previous ages since many men would remain as lifelong celibates, as Brahmacaris and later Sannyasis, and thus not enter into family life, just like many others would die in wars. In this way, the female population in Vedic societies would be almost always greater than the male population available for marriage, and the problem would be solved by some men marrying more than one woman.

Another practice that is also described, although less common is polyandry, or one woman marrying more than one husband, like in the case of Draupadi marrying the five Pandavas, or Marisa, the daughter of Kandu and Pramloca, who married the 10 Pracetas.

According to Srila Prabhupada in his purport to ŚB 4.30.16, in previous ages sometimes a woman would marry a man together with his brothers, as in the case of both Draupadi and Marisa. This practice is still practiced in villages of Tibet, usually with the purpose of avoiding dividing the land possessed by the family.

Since polygamy and polyandry are mentioned in the Vedas, should we start also practicing it? Not so fast…

One of the prophecies for Kali-Yuga is that life will become so difficult that a man will be considered a great hero if he is able to successfully maintain a family. It doesn’t directly speak about the ladies, but I guess it’s not easy for them either.

When we hear that, the first idea that comes into mind is the financial aspect: things will become so expensive that it will become practically impossible to maintain a family. This is of course something we can already notice to a certain extent even at present time, but there is also another aspect to it, that is the simple difficulty in maintaining a relationship, regardless of the financial situation.

Although most people, including devotees, desire to find happiness in family life, we can practically see that not many are successful in that. Divorces are incredibly common and even more common are failed relationships that don’t even progress into marriage. Most devotees, both men and ladies, have to pass through a long succession of failed relationships during their lives and many can’t find a permanent partner even after all of it.

We live in the age of quarrel, and in no place it is more noticeable than inside our own families. Peaceful and harmonious family life has become so rare that one who can do it can easily become world famous. Unfortunately, devotees are not immune to it. We also have divorces and tons of failed relationships.

In the 5th canto of Srimad Bhagavatam, we hear the story of how Bharata Maharaja became attracted to a deer and ended up becoming an animal in his next life, even after renouncing his kingdom and family to dedicate himself to practicing devotional service.

The story is that Bharata Maharaja once saw a pregnant female deer being attacked by a lion. Terrified, she aborted her embryo and died shortly afterward. Seeing the unfortunate young deer, Bharata Maharaja couldn’t avoid giving it shelter. However, as he started feeding and taking care of the deer he grew attached to it, and gradually abandoned his spiritual practice. At the time of death, he thought of the deer and thus had to become a deer in his next life. It took him two more lives until he was able to finally go back to Godhead.

Bharata Maharaja was not an ordinary person. He was extremely advanced in the practice of devotional service, especially after renouncing his kingdom. It’s described that “In the gardens of Pulaha-āśrama, Mahārāja Bharata lived alone and collected a variety of flowers, twigs, and tulasī leaves. He also collected the water of the Gaṇḍakī River, as well as various roots, fruits, and bulbs. With these he offered food to the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Vāsudeva, and, worshiping Him, he remained satisfied. In this way, his heart was completely uncontaminated, and he did not have the least desire for material enjoyment. All material desires vanished. In this steady position, he felt full satisfaction and was situated in devotional service.” (SB 5.7.11)

Being so elevated, to the point of not having the least desire for sense gratification, how could he fall down by becoming attached to a deer, to the point of becoming a deer in his next life?