Often one may see a married woman and become attracted to her, observing her good qualities, mood, or her dedication to the husband and children. Similarly, a lady may become attracted to a married man by observing his reliability, discipline, determination, or other traits. One can thus imagine that if he could somehow attract this person, he or she would behave in the same way, but this idea is often unfounded.
The qualities a married man or lady displays are actually the result of a combination of two persons. In other words, one who feels attracted to a married woman or man is actually feeling attracted to a couple, a combination of two individuals. What this man or woman is now is the result of the combination of what they are with the input they receive from their partner. Happy married persons are thus the fruit of nourishing relationships. They would not be the same in a different environment.
Conversely, a lady who is neglected by her partner may look depressed and unattractive, just like a married man may look irresponsible, unsure, and unreliable. In both cases, they could become completely different in a different environment. We can practically see that often devotees don’t do very well in their first marriages, and after going through a painful process of divorce end up doing much better on the second try. Not that we should divorce of course, but we can see that such cases are quite common. We also have cases of devotees who do relatively well in the first marriage but do much worse in a subsequent marriage.
What we can learn from this?
We often put a lot of emphasis on “finding the right person”, but it also depends a lot on the way we behave, and on the input we give to the partner. Solid marriages don’t appear by chance, they are created by a combination of maturity and the efforts of both husband and wife. Good husbands don’t grow in trees, they are created by the efforts of a qualified wife. In the same way, a good wife is the result of the nourishment provided by a qualified husband. We may not have these qualities from the start, but if we put some effort into offering something good to the partner right from the beginning, we can also receive something good in return, and this can help us to grow and continue offering good input, with in turn helps the partner to also offer us positive input, leading to a virtuous cycle. That’s how solid couples are created. Conversely, if we are possessive and demanding right from the beginning, we will probably receive negative input from the partner as a result, which in turn will make us even more insecure, leading to a vicious cycle, which will lead to a dysfunctional marriage.
As we can see, the same person if put in a different environment can act in completely different ways. There are combinations that are better than others, therefore it’s important to find a person who is compatible with us. There are also people with negative tendencies such as narcissism who should be avoided. We should not be naive thinking that we can change any person just by our good behavior. On the other hand, we can’t underestimate the importance of our own attitude and how our input influences our partner. The wife or husband we have is thus directly connected with our efforts. More often than not, we don’t “find” a perfect wife or husband, we create him or her by our mood and actions.