Often younger devotees ask me how to find a good wife and settle into a good marriage. I answer that it is actually quite simple, but it requires one to be able to control his senses.
The problem with most men is that they are too much attracted to women. And not exactly to women, but just to their external bodies. No one likes to be treated like an object, and therefore they tend to be rejected by the women they approach, even if they have good intentions. When they finally find some women who accept their proposal, she often just accepts because there is no better option, and then the man has to work his whole life to fulfill all her material desires, understanding that if he doesn’t do that she will leave him. That’s a very miserable position to be in.
Instead, we can get the example of a good marriage in the Srimad Bhagavatam. Kardama Muni wanted to marry, but he didn’t go out chasing ladies. Instead, he focussed on his spiritual practice and asked Krsna to take take of it, surrendering the choice to Him.
At the same time, because he was so serious about his spiritual practice, Narada Muni became greatly pleased and narrated his glories to Swayambhuva Manu, which was in turn overheard by Devahuti. Hearing about the austerities and personal qualities of this great sage she immediately got attracted to him. Eventually, her father got to know about this and decided to offer her in marriage to the great sage, who had been told by the Lord that it would happen, and was more than pleased to accept her hand.
By the time they got married, Kardama Muni was still practicing austerities, so Devahuti had to be patient and serve him in the forest for many years, facing many hardships. These austerities of Kardama Muni served a higher purpose and were beneficial for both, but of course, it was not easy for her. However, because she loved him, she was able to tolerate it, and eventually, they reaped the results of such austerities.
Kardama Muni became so powerful that he was able to create a flying castle inside which they could travel through the celestial planets, and not only did they have seven beautiful daughters, but the Lord himself appeared as their son, Lord Kapila, and instructed both in the devotional science making sure that both would go back to Godhead.
How does this apply to our modern life?
The point is that reconciling married life with spiritual practice requires sacrifice, especially on the part of the wife, because usually women have many material desires and mature human life requires one learning that they can’t be all satisfied. Married life in general requires a lot of sacrifice, and married life with a higher purpose requires even more. The only way for a lady to accept going through it is when she is sure that she married the right man, or in other words when she married the man she loves. Although still technically material this love is actually quite high and can act as a powerful transforming force, that can help a selfish lady to become a selfless mother and wife.
Instead of chasing ladies, the best approach for a man is to work on his spiritual practice and other personal qualities. Become a great man who can control his senses and give shelter to others, and then accept a lady who truly loves him for his qualities. When a man is self-controlled and develops good personal qualities (and especially if through these qualities he is able to perform some great deeds) then a number of ladies will become interested.
When a man can control his senses, and the lady is in love with him, he can properly guide his family, and their family life can be not only happy but also spiritually progressive. Such a couple can beget good children and serve as a wonderful example to society. That’s the only way I know it works, especially in modern times.