When we study the books from Srila Prabhupada, especially the Srimad Bhagavatam, we find several passages that criticize mundane relationships between men and women. Instead, love for Krsna is pointed to as the only true love, different from the covered selfishness of the relationships in this material world.
When we get this philosophical understanding, relationships in this material world, and especially family life can start sounding counterproductive. If our goal is to learn how to love Krsna, why should we spend time cultivating temporary relationships in this material world?
This conclusion can lead one to prematurely try to give up all kinds of relationships and suppress his emotional needs, something that can have very adverse effects.
Although imperfect and temporary, relationships in this material world are a school that teaches us to gradually develop selflessness. Life in the spiritual world is based on relationships. Without succeeding in establishing proper relationships in this world, it’s actually quite hard to learn how to properly establish a relationship with Krsna. One who renounces relationships too early may actually end up going on the path of impersonalists, learning to just suppress his feelings and stop his activities.
Lust is main the reason we are imprisoned here in the material world. Lust is selfish, it implies seeking our own satisfaction without caring for others. A dangerous bacteria cares only about its own reproduction, without considering that it is killing the host in the process. A mosquito cares only about its meal, without considering the inconvenience it is causing to its victims, and so on.
As the soul goes thru the long evolutionary process of samsara, passing through the 8.400.000 species of life, a sense of care for his children and relatives gradually develops. Some higher animals can even care for members of other species (like a cow feeding a monkey, as we can sometimes see in Vrindavana, for example). When the soul reaches the human form, this sense of care can be expanded into love.
Love means to put another person ahead of ourselves. A mother may voluntarily sacrifice herself for her children. This is an act of love. We can see that love is precisely the opposite of lust.
Marriage is an institution that helps us to walk this path, gradually converting our lust into love. This is an idea that Srila Bhakti Thirta Swami explained thoroughly in his books, for example.
We can see that most relationships between men and women start with lust. We can say that it’s for “serving Krsna together” or any other excuse, but if we are a little honest we will have to admit that we get into relationships due to lust. A man becomes interested in a woman because she looks beautiful in his eyes. A woman becomes interested in a man because he is strong, handsome, intelligent, famous, or rich. That’s how it works.
However, if done properly, marriage can help one to gradually purify this lust by serving and caring for his wife, husband, children, and other family members and gradually evolve from this selfish platform of lust to a platform of love. This love can then be gradually expanded to other devotees, other living beings, and to Krsna. Family life is thus a school that helps us to learn to love, which is very essential for our spiritual development.
Naturally, a Brahmacari or Sannyasi can also develop the same love by serving the guru, the deities, or other devotees in an even faster way, but the requirements for this path are much higher and the consequences in the case of failure can be more serious. For most of us, the path of family life is the safest path. Conversely, premature renunciation can cause several problems and lead to bigger attachments in the end.
The problem with relationships in this world is that they work only to the extent both parts act properly. Bad relationships between wives and husbands, for example, are nothing new. However, if a lady doesn’t have a good relationship with her husband, she will feel some incompleteness in her life, and this may lead her to develop relationships with other men. We can see that the failed relationship with the husband is thus not the cause of pure love for Krsna, but the cause of further attachment and problems.
The thing is that it’s actually not so easy to develop a relationship with Krsna. We can understand by studying the scriptures that Krsna doesn’t accept anything apart from completely pure and unconditional love. He is inside one’s heart and it’s not possible to cheat Him. One can’t have any sense of possession or any idea of controlling Him. Even if someone abandons his house and family to go to Him, he may still refuse if one’s motives are not completely pure.
We can see that family life is exactly an opportunity for a lady to gradually develop these qualities. If a lady is successful in learning to love unconditionally her husband and children (despite their imperfections), she can easily later also learn how to love Krsna in an unconditional way. However, if one can’t even love her husband that is near and is performing many different services, what to say about developing love for Krsna, Who is much harder to approach?
Naturally, the husband can help by controlling his possessiveness, lust, and anger and being lovable, understanding that by doing so he is not only improving his chances of having a peaceful family life but also helping the wife in her spiritual path.
We then come to the side of the men. In the scriptures, we listen a lot about the risks of attachment to women. Should a husband also love his wife or love is a thing that applies only to the wife?
The short answer is yes. Of curse, the husband should love his wife. The long answer, however, is that there is a little twist in the case of husbands that makes it a little more complicated.
Women are actually in a better position in the marriage because they are in a dependent position, that is closer to the eternal position of the soul. Therefore, the wife can very easily advance just by seeing the husband as a representative of Krsna and loving him. This selfless love for the husband and children is actually quite close to spiritual love and it can be the greatest asset for a woman in spiritual life. A woman that has her heart softened by this love becomes a very fertile ground for the seed of love for Krsna. That’s also why it’s so important for a lady to choose a good man to be her husband since an exploitative man will not only give her material pain but can also make her spiritual path much harder.
For the husband is more complicated because he is in the position of leading. It’s very easy for the husband to become “too Vedic” (in the negative sense) and start to see himself as the center and begin to mistreat and exploit the wife. In this case, instead of converting lust into love, he ends up just expanding it. We can see that this type of man usually becomes attracted to other women, repeatedly divorcing and remarrying, or just having extra conjugal affairs. This is a result of the lust expanding instead of diminishing.
We can see that for a man there are two traps: one trap is to become too attached to the body of the wife, instead of helping the soul to progress in the spiritual path. Another is to start seeing himself as the center and the object of service, instead of learning how to selflessly care for his family.
We can say that for the wife the husband is the representative of Krsna, but for the husband, the wife is representative of the energy of Krsna, that he is supposed to engage in Krsna service, instead of exploiting or taking possession of.
We can see that the story of the Ramayana is a very vivid example for all exploitative husbands out there. Ravana tried to steal Sita from Rama, but not only he ended up getting just a false Sita, but he was destroyed in the end for his offense. Similarly, every woman is meant for serving Krsna, who is the only true male. When a husband tries to steal from Krsna and instead employs the wife for his own enjoyment, he becomes degraded and is punished in the end.