The definition of illicit sex is a kind of hot potato in our spiritual society. We all promise to our spiritual masters to not have ”illicit sex” after initiation but it seems that few can agree on what exactly it means.

This is a subject that was seriously abused in the past. It resulted in so many problems that it became some kind of hot topic. Some say that all sex is bad and therefore sex must be avoided even inside family life, while others go to the opposite extreme, saying that as long as one doesn’t jump the fence, anything goes. The right measure must be between these two extremes, but where?

First of all, to define what illicit sex is, we need to define what “legal sex” is. In the Bhagavad-Gita, Krsna proclaims that “I am sex life which is not contrary to religious principles, O lord of the Bhāratas [Arjuna].” This makes clear that not all sex life is condemned, there is a type of sexual activity that is divine and is actually a representation of Krsna. In many passages, Srila Prabhupada explains that this is sex life with one’s legally married spouse, with the purpose of conceiving children who will be educated in Krsna Consciousness. I believe not many will disagree that we can accept this as the golden standard.

Armed with this information, we can try to analyze what “illicit sex” is. In most societies, sex outside of marriage is condemned, especially when one starts to casually have contact with multiple partners. Such type of behavior can destroy families, cause unwanted pregnancies, contribute to the spread of disease, and many other problems. I believe not many will disagree that this is negative and should be avoided.

However there is a gray area, that is sex inside family life, done without the explicit purpose of begetting children. This is the area where heated discussions frequently appear.

The first point to consider is that sex inside family life, even without the explicit purpose of begetting children is not the same as promiscuous sex outside of marriage. Some would agree that both can be considered “illicit sex” if we take the definition literally, however, I believe few would disagree that one is much less serious than the other.

In this way, whe have a definition for the golden standard of legal sex (inside family life, for conceiving children), a definition of what is clearly “illicit sex” (promiscuous sex outside family life), and also a gray area, that is sex inside family life, done with the use of contraceptive methods, or without the purpose of begetting a child.

Compared to promiscuous sex outside family life, sex “for fun” inside family life is much less serious, however, it also has its downsides. To which extent one will try to avoid it will be a personal decision, but here we can discuss a few points about it, and also a few ideas about how it may be possible to avoid it.

First, we need to understand the basic psychology of it. The thing is that both men and women have an attraction to sex, the problem is that they are attracted in different ways. A man is more attracted in the physical sense, he just wants to go to the act itself. A woman, on the other hand, is attracted to it in a more romantic way (restaurant, flowers, chocolate, etc.) the physical act is just the culmination of a sequence of events that allows her to enjoy different sensations. At the beginning of the relationship, men are usually more chivalrous and gentle, so both parties are more or less satisfied, but, as time goes on, the man starts to want sex in a more rough and automatic way, which makes the woman feel used. The woman then starts to refuse (or give in to the advances of the husband, but demanding things in return, acting in the line of “since he is exploiting me, let me exploit him also”), which in turn also makes the man dissatisfied. From this, other problems surface.

To base a marital relationship exclusively on sex, as people are stimulated to do nowadays, is not really a good idea. As Srila Prabhupada comments: “Man and woman both seek sexual enjoyment, and when they are united by the ritualistic ceremony of marriage, they are happy for some time, but finally there is dissension, and thus there are so many cases of separation and divorce. Although every man and woman is actually eager to enjoy life through sexual unity, the result is disunity and distress.” (SB 7.13.26)

For devotees, the question is even more complicated. Devotees are attracted to spiritual life, it’s there where they find bliss and happiness. Sex for fun on the other hand drags us down to the bodily platform and reinforces our anarthas and lower qualities. As previously mentioned, Krsna explains in the Bhagavad-gita that He is sex life that is not contrary to religious principles. To conceive children following the proper process, with the goal of training them to be pure devotees of the Lord is divine. Emperors in previous ages used to have hundreds of children, and this would not be contradictory to their spiritual practice. The problem is that modern society tries to separate sexual pleasure from child conception, especially through the use of contraceptive methods. This is where the real problem resides.

Another problem is that the subtle energy of the male body is concentrated in the semen. In the Ayurveda, it’s explained that to produce just a few drops of semen the body is forced to use a monumental amount of subtle energy, which reduces the intelligence, weakens the health, and saps the vigor of a man. A man who loses semen frequently can become weak, both mentally and physically, and therefore incapable of controlling his senses. It can quickly become a snowball effect, where one becomes mentally weak because of frequent sex, and being mentally weak, he loses the capacity of controlling his senses and therefore can’t stop. On top of that, no woman will respect a man who is frequently chasing her for sex, which further complicates the issue.

On the other hand, by preserving his semen a man nourishes his mental and spiritual strength, and improves his intelligence, manifesting his full potential. He becomes more enthusiastic, blissful, and energetic. That’s why brahmacharis are frequently very attractive to ladies. But, if they marry and become addicted to sex, they can very quickly lose these good qualities. They become morose, weak, indecisive, lazy, and mental. The lady then gets frustrated and questions: “Where is that strong man whom I married!?”. The answer is, frequently, that he ejaculated all his intelligence and vitality. Therefore, it’s in the lady’s own interest to help her husband to preserve his semen and keep his good qualities.

If we accept that this can be a problem, the next question is: How can it be avoided? Judging by many situations we see around us, it doesn’t seem so easy. Many will argue that it can even create worse problems when it’s improperly done.

As in other aspects of family life, this requires cooperation. On the man’s side, there is the need of practicing spiritual life and developing a higher taste. A man who doesn’t properly chant his rounds will have difficulty controlling his senses, for example. However, the wife also plays an important role in it.

Interestingly enough, the way to help the husband deal with his carnal propensities is not to be cold, distant, harsh, and insensitive, but to be very loving, caring, supportive, and at the same time shy and modest. These qualities nourish the mode of goodness in the man, which stimulates him to be sensitive, protective, calm, and self-situated. Shyness and modesty make a lady look very attractive but in a good sense. As Srila Prabhupada explains: “This shyness is a gift of nature to the fair sex, and it enhances their beauty and prestige, even if they are of a less important family or even if they are less attractive” (SB 1.10.16). This is also explained in his purport to SB 3.23.2.

Conversely, if the lady dresses and behaves in a sensuous way, always hankering for different things, she stimulates the mode of passion in the man, which leads to illicit or unregulated sex and materialistic life, creating a situation that is hardly favorable for spiritual advancement. Finally, if she is harsh, intolerant, unclean, restless, and bad-behaved, she stimulates the mode of ignorance in the man, leading to quarrels, destructive behavior, and aggression.

Actually, for a wife to mistreat her husband and speak in a harsh way to him is practically unheard of in other eras (we can see that even demons and rakshasas like Ravana and Hiranyakashipu had chaste wives and were kind to them, despite being terrible with everyone else). That’s one of the symptoms of Kali-yuga, described in the Brahma Vaivarta Purana (4.90.38): “The wife will treat her husband like her servant. She will always rebuke him and make him tremble in fear.”

With the exception of men who are spiritually advanced, practically all men have the need for domination. This is another facet of married life that needs to be understood. The scriptures speak a lot about female chastity and so on, and this has a purpose. If a lady is not submissive and allows the man to dominate in certain aspects, he will feel the need to dominate in the only other sphere he can: in the bed, leading to the problems I described. If a lady is intelligent, she can use her feminine charms (instead of conflict) to steer her husband in the right direction, helping him to achieve both spiritual and material progress, and thus also obtain what she needs. Krsna says in the Bhagavad-Gita that He is intelligence amongst women. This is exactly the type of intelligence the verse mentions.

Apart from creating problems in the relationship, another factor is that illicit sex is fundamentally selfish, it’s about one’s own pleasure. Proper family life, on the other hand, is about altruism, it’s all about being able to renounce our personal sense gratification and comfort in favor of others. One cannot be a good husband or wife if he is not capable of sacrificing himself for the children and the partner. The more one engages in sex for fun, the more he (or she) reinforces values that are opposite to the ones that are needed for prosperous family life. The result is simply suffering and frustration.

In any case, in a marriage, the main goal is always to maintain the relationship and preserve the family. Even if one can’t control himself, it is much better to have sex with his or her legitimate wife or husband than to have extramarital adventures. By studying Srila Prabhupada’s Lila we can see that he tended to be lenient with couples that were not able to control themselves in this department, but he would become very upset when devotees would have extra-marital affairs or divorce. From there we can see clearly that there are two types of illicit sex and that one is much more dangerous than the other. However, being able to control one’s senses is also an important factor to have a healthy and spiritually conducive relationship. From these different nuances, we can see why this is a topic that requires maturity.